What I was thinking and wanna share

So those days I've been looking at myself in a bit of a negative way. When I look at some groups that I like I feel like their leaders are much better organised and have much more passion although I sometimes even dream of Paradice! In my eyes I am really bad leader and organiser not to mention that I am not the best in anything nor mixing or animating. I also feel like I am a too soft to people. When someone doesnt give lines I tell them that its okey and that I will find a cover but inside I get really panicked ( as my nickname is Lily the panic ). I am not sure what I want to do but I want thing to get better and I try but I really cant do it on my own ( which must pretty much sound selfish and stupid ) .
My health has also gone down as I have to get medicine for stress ,fast hart and insufficient sleep ( bad grades at school the worst for the last 4 years).
Now what I really want to ask is if you guys want to help me with stuff as I really want this big group to keep up even more now that we have a jpop group! I think that I shouldn't give up but when something comes up I start wonder if I can keep it up.There are many thing that botter me but I don't tell so here I go:
1.Missing due dates ! I have to say that this is the biggest of my problems here! See I am always on time in real life and if someone else askes me to do something to her/him in time I will always do it so its just as people say do to people what you want them to do to you I expect eveyone to be on time.Its such a pain in the ask looking for a cover! Many of the other members knew there is a due date and give lines and I can't just tell them to do it couse its not their fault.Its not my fault too as I always ask if you want to join a song and send many pms days before the due date ! IF YOU GONNA JOIN SOMETHING DO IT RIGHT! I MEAN IT ! I might not tell it because thats my character and I dont like to sound rude because I know everyone has a real life but to tell you the truth THIS IS part of your real life. You spend hours and hours of time on the computer looking at pics but if in the 2 weeks or 20 days due date that I give you you sang only one line from the lyrics you would finish your lines in time T_T.
2.MIXING IS A BIG THING! As I said before I cant really mix with effects and everyone knows !! I wanna ask if you guys know how awkward I feel asking members to mix something or wait for them in ages to give the mix =.= I know this sounds rude but if you gonna take it take it on time. I always said that and I really mean it ~~~~~~~~~~ I WANT A OFFICIAL MIXING GROUP where people will be on time ~ couse in case I dont find a mixer ther wont be a singel even if vocals are given
3.There were times when members have gone missing( around 4 times).Please tell if something is wrong or you are moving or wont have internet for some time!
4.ALL OTHER PROBLEMS THAT THERE ARE!

I need a team not just people that give me lines! I can always let everything go without doe dates and free mixing and then what do you think will happen!!!!
ONE of those badly done collabes where only the members friends write and say Waa you did great when they didnt but they just dont say it in their faces and when they come to our collabs they are like ~~ Thats really bad *dislike :/ I am absolutely ok with people helping me lean and with ideas ( with pretty much everything) as I don't think it will ruin anything

I think I might share more if I think of something during the night - couse it happens a lot - not being able to concentrate on my sleep because I am thinging for 5 other things:
Family,School,Paradice,Money,Exams I will need for collage

At first I wanted to write thing in a funny way but I got really thoughtful while writing it!

you are a fantastic leader and just you taking the time to communicate your worries makes you appear as passionate as you think you want to become. In my eyes, you are an imouto and a fellow producer that i will support until the day you chose to escape the hobby. you know i will help you when you need it.

yoou are a good leader! I have know you just a little time but I really think that you are very great as a leader! I hope I could help you at mixing but I really can't.. my mixing skills are bad but I can do graphic desings If you need ^^

Thanks so much ~you all always tell me that I am a good leader but for some reason I always look down on myself when acturally I shouldnt . Couse most teens my age(in my class and friends atleast) don't have to worry about anything ~they just go to school and then coffee and thats it thats their life.Most of them don't even know how hard it is to not being able to pay your bill and being home at cold because you cant pay for *that thing that hot water goes in and makes the room hot. And the fact that some of them think pocked money means money only for eating while for me it means 10 levs for more then a week! I BET MOST OF THOSE GIRLS IN MY CLASS will die if they don't buy something new from the mall but in my case the only new think I have for the last lets say 4 or 5 months is shoes because I need them for the snow(not form the Mall) :/ On top of that stuped exams that I will need for collage -.- I really hate when everyone is like Will you gooo to the prom ,will you wear a dress I already picked mine and I am like - Shut the fuck bitch there is one more year till the prom and why should I buy some expensice dress to wear once when I can pay my exams that cost 1000levs =.= I really wanna see the bright side of life which is actually pretty hard for me as I always panic.I feel like if I get in collage in UK or Koria it will be one of the brightest moments in my life.My actuall want was to get into NY acting academy but damn american collages are expensive
SRSLY If I dont get in some collage outside of Bulgaria then I better lose hope in life.
I hardly share my real opinion on stuff. I talk a lot but people thing that I talk weird as I say stuff that sometimes they don't get ( like I sead to one of my girl friends that she looks like a flower boy if she puts her hair up and hides her B***S but now she is angry at me sayin I told her she looks like a man while I ment it in a good way--- you all know flower boys *0*) So I feel good now that I can say what I really think couse really I hardly even cry in front of people even my mum.I feel that If I cry I shouldnt do it in front of people couse that will get them to feel sad ,negative and pity for me.I usually cry eather when cover myself in bed or while I am taking the shower( I did this when my grandma died and my dad told my mum that I didnt feel sad how come but my mum always knowes when I cry even if I dont tell her so she told him that I am actually really sad).So yeahhh it was nice sharing this OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH And I DID dream of something but I cant remember what xD

Okay, so 1. You are a good leader, really.
2. I'm a fail - I AM SO SORRY, for disappearing, I.. have reasons >w< but that's not an excuse, I should have done lines. My head is all over the place right now. ;A; I'm so sorry.
Anyway, I'm away this week to get things sorted, but I'll be back on the 16th, and will be completely active as part of Kpoparadice. I'm so sorry to have caused you trouble ;______;
You are an excellent leader, one of my favourites. I'm just a bad member XD!

Megan wrote:Okay, so 1. You are a good leader, really.
2. I'm a fail - I AM SO SORRY, for disappearing, I.. have reasons >w< but that's not an excuse, I should have done lines. My head is all over the place right now. ;A; I'm so sorry.
Anyway, I'm away this week to get things sorted, but I'll be back on the 16th, and will be completely active as part of Kpoparadice. I'm so sorry to have caused you trouble ;______;
You are an excellent leader, one of my favourites. I'm just a bad member XD!

Oh THANK YOU >3<

Read this many times, but i never really got a chance to put my words together as a reply......OTL
I tried not to make this a long essay, but anyways......
I'm sure nobody is perfect and people often makes many mistakes in their life. That's too common and sometimes, those mistakes don't even bother me much anymore. ^_^ You, Raina, has been one of the best leaders I've ever known ever since the day I started to join groups. It's really great to have a good leader, since you can be sure that you'll be having fun singing in that group. >w<)/ KPP/JPP taught me a lot about vocal skills, voluming, how to convert/upload lines, and mixing. (; u / I'm glad you chose me during Muzik's audition. OTL.....I feel that you've been dedicating a lot to KPP/JPP, so I wouldn't mind if you also have sometime for yourself too. >_^ You want us to enjoy working, so you should also be having fun, too, right? Don't be too stressed out and just relax!!!~<3 I'm currently taking out my free time to learn more about mixing....I hope that I can help you at least with mixing soon!!!~ (*A*)/ In the summer, I'll help you draw the artworks for our videos, so then our group can have something unique and special. Please don't push yourself to the limit, because then it won't be fun working together anymore!!!~<3 I wish you all the best on getting into the college you wish for!!!~<3<3<3 RAINA, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLUE ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU/ I'M GRATEFUL TO YOU!!!!~<3 (>w<)/